Desire Machine

a poem

At what point will I be finished
Tired of attempting love
And failing relentlessly

At what point will I have enough
Becoming sterile and ugly
Repulsive and grotesque

I find myself drawn towards
Men who remind me of my father
Ones who drink or smoke
Or never know how to separate
Themselves from their issues

Ones with mental problems
And sex addictions
And mouths that talk big
And thoughts that wander

Ones who have a problem with God
Though believing too hard or not enough
Depends on the man

Sometimes they buy me cigarettes 
To earn my love
Sometimes they buy me cigarettes
To see my body bare
Sometimes they pray for me
To become as pure as a fawn
So that they can fuck me 
And take that innocence away

I send photographs of lace and skin
While they think their perversions
But I can achieve those thoughts
With the mere sound of my voice

Apparently oh yeah as a question
Makes guys want me
But why do they tell me they love me
And simply disappear once more

Why am I the dream girl
Who can never keep anyone for
A substantial amount of time

Why am I the dream girl
Who can never find a place
To put her love

I have so much of it inside of me
But it’s rotting me deep
The whole of me far
Beyond repair

I am a desire machine
And I never learn from my mistakes
For how could
Nuts and bolts ever do so

My mindspace has begun its hallucinations
And paranoia has set in
As my sleepless body loses
Its appetite once more

Making me a zombie
A trespasser in my own mind

So I scream out the anger
That I keep buried in my aching heart
When I am alone

I drive too fast so as to
Finally feel something for once
But going 60 in a 25 might kill me
I suppose I would not mind

It would be nice to sleep forever
Or at least for a year
So give me pills to take
Numb me blind and then maybe
You could find me devoted

But I am a sinner
And all I want is to be loved
So I will look for it wherever 
Even if it means being hurt

Yes, don’t worry, Maman. Je vais très bien.

✉ Thank you ever so very much for reading my diary. If you enjoy my work, please consider getting a paid subscription (as I am broke as fuck and so you don’t miss out on any of the goodies I have for you all) or simply subscribing. I cannot express to you all how grateful I am to have built such a wonderful community on my little corner of the internet.

Lots of love,

Jubilee xoxo

P.S. If you would like to be featured in the next issue of the Advice Column on Jubilee’s Diary, please feel free to reach out! I am sincerely open to answering anything you might have been pondering, needing a second opinion on. It does not have to be relational queries, but it can be something silly, too! Ask me about films, books, et cetera… Literally whatever comes to mind! You will not be receiving any judgment either, and the advice column always stays anonymous.

Send your questions in via Google Form or contact me directly through my email (raynejubilee@gmail.com) or direct messaging. Send as many as you’d like, and feel free to reach out anytime!

Issues are scheduled to be published every other Sunday at 08:00 (ET). If I receive enough questions, I will make the publications weekly.

Minds lost during the creation of this piece: 1