What is love, really?

I suggested a breakup with my boyfriend of two years.

Dear Diary, what is love, really? A question running laps in my mind space, constantly; enthralled I am by my current confusions. I know, you’re too young to even be thinking about this! But here I am, thinking about this, and I can’t seem to stop.

Having someone for two years, especially for someone my age, is rare. I wouldn’t change it for the world either, but it’s come to an end. It was inevitable, really. It has been a dread filling my mind. I saw it coming, and I’m quite sure he did too.

People are good for seasons. Some seasons last longer than others, but they all happen for a reason, even if the reason may not seem that apparent. There can always be something taken from a situation. No matter how awful, insignificant, beautiful, or sorrowful,—there is always something to take away from it.

Also, sometimes during those seasons, the form of love can shift. Sometimes from lovers to friends, or the other way around, and that is not at all a bad thing.

Being with someone for the rest of my life is not something I want to have, ever, and that is not something that can just change. I’m not getting married and I’m not having kids, and I’m sick and tired of hearing all of these sad, miserable people tell me that I’ll change my mind—and that it’s what “God has in store” for me…SHUT UP! It’s not your life, it’s mine, and this is what I want to do with my life.

Call that selfish, all you want, but truly, this is not something I can just conform myself to. I can’t tangle my being and emotions into something they aren’t even capable of doing wholeheartedly.

I want a large pink Victorian home, an insane amount of cats; I want to feed pigeons in the park while I write my books, and I want to see the world, visit all of the hidden corners and places I’ve never seen—and that is okay. I don’t want a romantic love and I cannot just change my mind on the matter.

It’s just not something I can give someone, no matter how hard I try, and no matter how hard I attempt to convince myself that I can.

What is love, really? Who the hell knows, honestly, but there are many different ways to love and be loved.

There are friendship loves…an irreplaceable thing, really. Everyone needs a portion of love in their lives, and it can be from your “chosen family.” Not everyone can share love with a family, and some people can, so it really depends on many things; but friends are people one could always share love with in an irrevocable way.

Not everyone gets lucky to have a good family, one that is accepting and loving, and sometimes only a select few family members can be those people for you, but that is definitely another form of giving and receiving love that people do experience, so it should most certainly be included.

Romance…well I don’t think I’m the most qualified to talk about this but I feel like I should try.

I am truthfully not comfortable being romantic in the slightest. It’s even bothered me just trying to hold hands; I am not entirely sure why—though I feel as though it may be rooted in my daddy issues—but I just can’t seem to be that person for anybody.

I ended up suggesting a break-up with my boyfriend of two years a couple of days ago, and truly, it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve done.

“…And we did talk about how you feel about where we are at in our relationship, and it's totally valid, but I just can't act in the typical couple way. Being romantic in pretty much any way is something that has always been a struggle of mine. It makes me uncomfortable, and I am having a really hard time pushing through that. But in retrospect, I don't know why I'm trying to force myself into that, especially when I don't think this is going to go anywhere with us. I've told you, I don't want kids and I don't want to get married. Ever. And that's not something that I can be convinced is untrue. I love you Ben, but I can't love you in the way you need me to. Unless you want to really try to keep putting up with me—and both of us truly work on the things that bother each of us, and try to understand more the way each we both feel—I don't know what to do but suggest we break up.” (A snippet from one of the messages I wrote to him).

I have wished for the longest time, and tried to conform myself in a way to fit the needs that he has, but I just could never seem to do it, no matter how hard I tried. I thought maybe it was something I could grow out of, but after two years of my discomfort, I figured this would be for the best.

And it’s not at all like I didn’t love him, and he was not in the slightest what was making me uncomfortable—merely what is expected in a relationship.

“I mean, please understand this, you have no idea how hard this is for me. It’s quite literally soul crushing to think about the chance I’ll lose my best friend; but I feel like there has to be other people out there who could be the person you need. We’ve been together for over two years now, which is never an easy feat for anybody, so I am ever so glad that we have been a part of each others’ lives for so long. We have had countless amazing times together, and I’ve loved you through the good and the bad. You probably know more about me than anyone else on the planet. I trust you with my life. Genuinely, I thank you for everything we’ve had the privilege to share with one another. I mean also my parents literally love you so much, it’s crazy ahahahah. But really, I am still figuring all of my crap out, and who knows, I may never figure it out; but at least in the meantime, you’ll find someone who can be that amazing, kind, and loving person for you, who you can experience the life you deserve with. I wish I could say I’m that person, but I don’t think I am. We are like two puzzle pieces, merely off by inches, but those inches matter. Ben, I love you more than you could ever know—please believe me. We just aren’t the ones to last forever.” (Another message I sent him in explanation to the whole thing).

I have truly loved him, and I still do, I just can’t love him in the way he needs me to, and that’s okay. There is most certainly someone out there who can be that person for him. We just don’t exactly fit each other’s needs as we should.

And please don’t just assume I’m ignorant and we merely got over the “honeymoon phase,” because it’s much more than that. Again, I just don’t see anything romantic in my future and I feel almost as though I’ve just been lying to myself and him (though completely unintentionally—I just didn’t know what I wanted), and I want him to have what he deserves. He has truly been one of the best people I have ever known and he means the world to me.

I feel as though I am only able to give love in a platonic way. Friendships are very important to me, and they always have been. I have had many friends over my years of living, some have stuck around longer than others, and those others were good for me (at least in some sort of way) during those seasons in which we were close; and they didn’t necessarily have to be close with me, just something that we were able to learn from one another. Life lessons come in mysterious ways, one may even learn something from the cashier at a local grocery store…but all of this matters in retrospect, no matter how insignificant they may seem.

Yes, my boyfriend of two years and I have officially broken up, but that doesn’t mean we don’t share an indescribable love for one another. The type of love has merely shifted slightly, and we will remain friends. I called him the other night. I just wanted to hear his voice since it’ll be an entire month before we are able to see one another face-to-face again, and, in all honesty, it was slightly awkward for the first few minutes. I mean, we had hardly spoken all day. Thankfully, it normalized out and we were able to talk just as we had before, as best friends.

The day after I suggested our breakup, I had to keep reminding myself that it actually happened and it wasn’t just something I made up in my head. No stupid fake scenarios, unlike my usual, I had actually done something—and every time I remembered, it was as if a fresh wave of sorrow overtook me.

It was as if I had a whole part of my soul ripped from my being. I was heartbroken by my decision, though I knew it was the right one. It was inevitable really, and the inevitable scares us; we can’t do anything about that though, all we can do is push forwards, attempting to choose the right things over the wrong; failing and failing over and over again, only to discover that was necessary in order to finally win.

But then, what is love, really? Still the question remains. Is it letting someone go—untying their wings, in hopes they’ll come back around—so that they are free to turn around when the time is right? Or is love really the moments you shared in that rather short time together, that connection you held. There is more to love than people may realize.

Again, there is platonic, romantic, friendship, understanding, unconditional, and many more that don’t seem that important; however, in retrospect, they are.

Even the people I see once in a blue moon, I may share a mutual love with. Maybe not anything more than the ordinary, but that simple love is important. I’m so tired of the word love being defined by sex or being seen as unreal by the frowned upon misunderstandings. Love is so much more than people see. It is extraordinary, really. How people find a connection on an alien level, something so entangled with the soul, one can’t even tell the difference.

Love can last a lifetime, but it can also last weeks. Though, more difficult to truly endure in such short spans of time, that sudden and unpredictable, untimely love, has more reason than one may presume. The quick whims of love and understanding for another human can be important, and beyond underrated. People can be in your life for merely a season, yet still hold the importance of a heartbeat. That short span of time was spent learning—exchanging experiences to further make you the person you will/have become.

People’s paths, intertwined and tangled, are far more important and meaningful than the randomness they are so often referred.

So just because they weren’t your “forever,” doesn’t mean that you didn’t love them, and it doesn’t mean they didn’t love you. I love him, more than he could ever know, but our paths have changed. The trajectory of our lives were altered for the better when we found one another, but that doesn’t mean we have to hold onto that faded connection. We were what each other needed, and for a considerable amount of time, but that doesn’t mean we will always be what the other person needs. Not in that way. Our love merely changed meaning.

I cannot love somebody as they might need me to, whether that is just an outcome of my shitty dad, it doesn’t matter. I can’t necessarily love another person in a more romantic way, and that’s perfectly alright. No one can shape me, change the clay I was made out of, and give me those feelings I so long wished for; it’s just not something I have in me. Yet or ever, something left up into interpretation, but don’t you dare tell me I just “haven’t found the right person.”

In this season, our connections have shifted. We tried to love more than we could, and we may have hurt each other in the process, but how the end unfolded, I am glad it did just that. We will still hold tight to our friendship but let the ends loose for someone who may be more fitting for those unspoken needs.

Lots of love,

Jubilee xoxo